Saturday, 2 July 2016

Understanding A Relationship

Relationship isn't a fairy tale, it's not about being happy with the person you love all the time, there are days when misunderstandings tend to happen, there will be arguments, then sometimes there would be silence, sometimes you may smile, sometimes you may cry, there will be ups and downs, but in the end, it's worth it, because when we look back, those memorable beautiful moments made together, they are priceless, in the end, it's what makes life worth living.

A lot of things have been happening lately, and I've finally realized many things, that when you truly love a person, no matter how hard situations can get, you will never give up on them, and at one point, you will begin to understand that, relationship is a commitment that requires hard work and understanding, it's easy to say " I love you", but proving it, that is another story.

The Love Counselor

Athena is my colleague, a close friend, and also my love counselor. We multitask while working, talking and sharing our experience in relationship,  and it's easy to talk since both of our office cubicle is located side by side.

Although she is younger than me, she has deep experience in relationship, and I would say that she's wiser than me when it comes to handling relationship problems. She was also born in the year of Monkey, which makes her same age with Bunny, and her boyfriend is also a Tiger like me, so most of the time, both of us share things on what both Monkey and Tiger like and dislike, and somehow, we manage to find out that all Monkeys and Tigers have the same mindset.

Speaking about Tiger and Monkey, Chinese believe that Tigers and Monkeys can't get along well, and that it's hard for these two to be in a relationship. For me, I'm not really into it, besides, I still remember what the monk uncle told me last time when he got to know about me and Bunny, he said, although we are Monkey and Tiger, in the end, it's all in the hands of Buddha, and the wise old monk uncle told me to have faith in the divine should I face problems in my relationship.

Athena has been listening a lot lately, I don't really share my relationship issues openly to anyone, but it's nice to have someone who listens and gives advice, so whenever I face problems in my relationship with Bunny, I would share it with her, and she would advice me on what to do to solve the issue.

Lately, Bunny hasn't been himself, since the day he came back from his family trip in Thailand, he have changed, at first, I thought I might have unintentionally done something wrong that would have upset him, then I assumed it might be his work stress, but he changed a lot. Something that really confused me, as both of us were pretty much happy, and no, I don't really fight with him, but lately, he gets angry and scolds me a lot, and what made me worried was, whenever he gets upset, he says that we are not suitable and it's not working, and although he never said anything about break up, but it sounded like he wanted to leave me.

Athena laughed when I told her about it, she said it's normal in a relationship for couples to fight and mention about going to break up etc, but still, I was worried, I mean, who wouldn't when they truly love the person and cherish the relationship they are in.

I told Bunny many times that I will never give up on him easily.

I can't remember when was the last time he told me that he loves me, or that he misses me. At times, he completely ignores me, sometimes he keeps on messaging and call me at unexpected time, then he would go on silent mode. It really started to confuse me. Then he stopped asking me to meet out for dinner, and even whenever we plan to spend time together over the weekend, I have to put the effort to ask him if he is free or not, he changed a lot, and it was seriously confusing me. At one point, I begin to realize that he no longer show any signs of excitement over our weekend plans together. It felt like I was the only one who was excited, and counting the days to be with him, and to make things worse, whenever I go to pick him up from his home, he would make me wait for a very long period of time.

He stopped talking about our future plans of staying together, or the usual things he used to say, like what we would be doing as a couple when we are old, everything stopped. I realized that he gets upset easily, and often, he kept telling that he doesn't deserve me, and says my love is too heavy for him.

This made me wonder, if he was beginning to lose interest in me, perhaps he was ignoring me so that I would stop loving him and leave him. With everything that was happening lately, it began to stress me a lot, situation at work wasn't good, dad fell sick, all I could do was cry silently when I am alone. And even in office, tears kept falling while I was doing work, as my mind was constantly on Bunny, and my heart wondered on what happened to him. The confusion was beginning to hurt me, and the only way for me to release the pain, was to cry silently. My colleagues noticed and kept asking if I was okay, but I didn't said a word, and hid all the emotions to myself, pretending I was okay.

I prayed hard, hoping things would get back to normal. I knew that phases like this is a common thing in a relationship, so I began to avoid thinking about it, and tried to continue with my life hoping things would get better between me and Bunny.

Athena kept listening and shared her thoughts, she said it was common for those who are born in the year of Monkey to isolate themselves when they were stressed. Sometimes she said Monkeys tend to vent their frustration to their partners, she herself honestly admit that she had done the same to her boyfriend, yet they are happy together for four years.

Maybe it was work stress, I know he was having a tough time at work, but why did he stopped doing the things he used to do or say to me, I have no idea about that, but I love him, and I won't give up on him.

Athena asked me if I still feel Bunny's love towards me. Yes, I do. When we cuddle, my baby monkey always hug me closer to him, he always pull my hands so that he could wrap my arms around him. Whenever we have drinks together, he gives me his cup and asks me to drink it, whenever we have food together, he would always share like every couples in love do. Sometimes he still does the little sweet things he does that captures my heart. Like that one time when we were watching a movie at the theatre, he feed me with a pop corn.

It's rather confusing, I must say, yes, I can't remember when was the last time he said that he loves me, but I still know that he loves me, so let's put it this way, the frequency of affectionate things he does or says to me have reduced lately.

For example, if I wake up late these days, I no longer see a good morning message from him, and even at night, he views the message, but doesn't reply. And sometimes, when I make the effort to type a normal message to send to him even when I'm busy, he simply replies with a sticker. Sometimes it makes me look like a fool, when I send him messages asking how was his day, or if he had his lunch or not, and he simply replies with a sticker.

I told Athena about it, she laughed, but she said it did sound abnormal for Bunny to do these things lately, and I admit, it can be frustrating at times, but I know maybe he is dealing with some issues, and not telling me about it since he doesn't want me to be worried. At times, he keeps all the burden to himself. I told him many times to share things with me, told him many times that he mustn't handle everything by himself. What is the point of me loving him if he wouldn't share the bad times he is going through ? What is the point, if he only shares his happy times with me ?

The Stages of Relationship

A blogger asked me this question, and even Athena asked me the same, both of them asked how "comfortable" is Bunny with me.

All I can say is, lately I have realized that he is very much comfortable when he is with me, he farts, he digs his nose, and even burps loudly in front of me, I don't think he feels that I might look at him in a bad way when he does these things when he is with me, and honestly, nope, it never really bothered me.

And nope, he doesn't fart when I eat his cute ass.

To this, both the blogger, and Athena said that me and Bunny have entered the 4th stage of a relationship, and I no need to worry, as our relationship's foundation is strong now.

But I still wonder why did he change.

Athena explained that since our relationship have hit that stage, Bunny would no longer feel the need of doing the things he used to do, because end of the day, he knows that he have me, and we would be together till the end.

Removing Toxic Friendship

Since me and Bunny have been together, I have "unfriended" quite a number of people. Let's just say, that these people can be "toxic", and have the capability to damage my relationship with Bunny.

I still remember how this particular friend of mine who knew Bunny told me to be careful with Bunny. He said Bunny had been in many relationships before, and said I should be careful with him, as he might play with my feelings and eventually leave me as well. He then added that Bunny isn't capable of being in a relationship as he is very playful and doesn't take things serious.

Seriously dude, I know my guy very well, and yes, I admit he had few "x", but no, that doesn't make him a player, and his past never mattered to me.

And then, there was this other friend of mine whom kept pestering me to know if any of Bunny's friends knows about me, since he said Bunny never posted anything about me on his social media account, and he never mentioned that he is in a relationship, which was quite contrary to what I do, as almost everyone in my life knows Bunny.

At first, it didn't really hit me, but soon, I began to wonder, and asked Bunny about it, and Bunny said none of his friends, even his close friends know about me, the reason he gave, he prefers to be low profile.

Yes, it did made me sad at first, since most of my friends know about him, and I've been going around, bringing him to meet my friends, and introducing him to them. So when he said that none of his friends knew about me, or our relationship, it kinda made me feel like, for a moment it made me feel like he wasn't proud of me. But soon, I understood that it was him, so I accepted it, because I know my limit, and I don't want to invade his privacy or whatsoever that makes him feel uncomfortable.

"Arvind, did you realize that a lot of gay guys have been flirting with Bunny openly on his Facebook, did you read the comments they left ?", he asked.

I know what he was trying to tell.

"Yes, I know, but I don't really take it seriously, he got a lot of admirers, so what if they post flirtatious messages, in the end of the day, I know he loves me, so I doesn't really bother me", I replied.

"But you have to be careful Arvind, don't simply trust, who know if....", he looked at me and gave a strange looking face.

"Listen, I know him well, he is not that type of gay guy, if you are too concerned about it, why don't you ask yourself, how many relationships you had ? If I am not mistaken, you did cheat on your boyfriend once didn't you ? So what are you trying to tell me, and what are you going to benefit from it ?", it was my last reply.

Stopped contacting that friend of mine since then.

Relationship is about trust.

Yes, in the beginning, when I got to know Bunny, he did share many wild stories from his past, things he did when he was young, things he regret doing.

But it was his past, and it never mattered to me, it never did.

Honestly, it never came across my mind, things which he told me before I confessed my feelings to him, even now, when we make love, when I kiss him, all the naughty stories which he told me last time, they never come across my mind.

When we make love, when we kiss, I only think about the present moment, and think of how lucky I am, to be blessed with him in my life, and I always dream about the things we are going to do together, as a couple in the future.

Because, when we love a person truly, their past won't exist in the present moment, nor in the future.

Loving The Unpredictable Moon

It was becoming unbearable, the confusion, he kept changing, sometimes he ignored me, sometimes he become so close to me. At night, when I am asleep, I shed my tears, releasing the heaviness in my heart, when I meditate upon Mother Tara, I shed tears asking her to grant me the strength to tolerate his sudden change of behavior.

Athena told me that Monkeys always want their partners to change, but it's impossible for them to change, because it's their nature. Athena said that probably Bunny wants me to change, and so I've tried to adopt to Bunny's behavior lately. I no longer expect things from him nowadays, but I still tell her, that I miss the old Bunny, the one who used to ask how my day was, the one who used to check on me and ask if I had reached home safely, the one who used to express his love to me through words, the one who always made me feel special. She said maybe someday in the future, Bunny would eventually change, and things would be easy for me.

I hope so.

I'm a human too, I may not give up, and I will keep fighting, but what if I give up ? I was afraid, because I know my nature well, should it continues, I might leave everything, not only him, I will leave even my dad, renounce the world and dedicate my life completely to the spiritual world.

But then.

Deep within me, my heart reminds me to be strong, because my heart knows the happiness Bunny had given me, it's worth the struggle, it's worth the fight, because in the end, when everything becomes alright, I know I will be there for him when he is old, I know we would be together, remembering and talking about the happy moments we created together. I know I would keep my promise, of being there for him, no matter what happens.

It's not easy, being in a relationship isn't easy, but in the end, it's worth it, and it's what that makes life worth living.

I will love him, and care for him no matter what happens, and I will be there for him till the end...

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