Saturday, 8 April 2017

60

you would've been 60 today,
but you left,
with bittersweet memories,
that would accompany me,
for the rest of my life...

thank you for everything Pa,
thank you for accepting me for who I am,
and,
thank you for blessing my relationship with Bee...

till we meet again on the other side,
may you be happy with mom...

vasudeva sarvam iti...


8th April 1957 ~ 10th December 2016


Thursday, 15 September 2016

Happy 1st

time flies...

can't believe it's already a year, I mean, it was just like yesterday.

It was just like yesterday, I remember it clearly, from the time you came out of your company, to the time you left the car and waved your hands at me before I left, I remember even the conversation we had that day...

and I can't believe it's been a year, a year since I saw you for the first time.

You know, I was kinda scared and nervous when I saw you walking towards the car, you were wearing black pants with light blue shirt, and you look seriously handsome, and honestly you look very much younger than your age, and that smile, how will I ever forget that heart melting smile of yours, you kept smiling the whole time.

You entered the car and the first question you asked was "Is this Norah Jones ?", and I told you that it was Dido, then you giggled, very cute, and we started to talk and begin to discuss on where to have our lunch since you had to go back to that company early.

And I was very much excited and blur at the same time because that area kinda looked industrial and pretty boring, but luckily you suggested the nearby 7 Eleven.

Then we had our "first" lunch together, you have no idea how nervous I was, but at the same time I was simply happy to see you smiling, and realized you were very much excited to see me that day.

The sandwich and the hot dog you bought along with the canned coffee, which I told isn't good for your health, haha, then we talked and talked.

I touched your hands for the first time, and we continued talking about crazy things.

And you were super happy about the kaya puffs I bought for you, oh yes, now I wonder what happened to my favourite copy of Paulo Coelho's Alchemist which I gave you that day. Gosh, it is still so clear on my mind, it was just like yesterday.

When you left the car and walked towards the company, you waved your hand.

Bee, seriously, you have no idea how lovely you look.

It was the day you captured my heart completely.

Happy anniversary my love.

Love you always....

Saturday, 3 September 2016

My Poetry

Everyone on the highway would have enjoyed a beautiful sunset that evening, but I didn't. I looked at you from time to time while driving. Sorry Bee, I know I have to concentrate on driving, but I just couldn't resist the beauty I was looking at beside me. You wouldn't have noticed, you were looking on the side, and you were tired after a day of travelling together, yet, did you know how lovely your brown eyes looked when the dusk's ray fell upon it ? It was so beautiful, that I don't think words could describe it, and I took a quick look on you from time to time, trying to remember that moment, trying to treasure that moment inside my heart.

No Bee, please don't say I'm being cheesy, you wouldn't understand, I'm just like that, I don't really take time to say things to you, whenever I say things like "you look lovely when you give that bunny smile" or "you look really adorable in yellow shirt", I don't say it to simply sweet talk, but those are honest words that come from my heart. 

Sometimes, when we are together, there are a lot of things you do that I really adore, sometimes I wish I could express it to you in words, but at times, you tend to become shy, and you would stop talking to me, or even when we message, when I try to put those beautiful moments into words, you would start to ignore me by sending multiple stickers, and so, I try not to say it, but rather keep them inside me.

But believe me, you're indeed my poetry. Have you ever wondered why do I simply gaze at you while smiling, without saying any words ? Or have you ever noticed how I simply turn to look at you while we are inside the car at traffic stops ? Or would you know why I never slept when we cuddle on the bed, even when you fall asleep ? I always observe you quietly, and everything that you do, creates poetry in my mind. Every moment spent with you is precious, and each of those moments are cherished deep within my heart.

The way you eat those kaya puffs, do you know how cute you look when you enjoy every bit of those puffs, or the movement of your lips, or do you know how your eyes move when you enjoy the food you are eating ? Or the special way you drink from a cup, it's hard to explain by words Bee, but everything that you do, turns into beautiful memories, and makes me adore you in many ways.

The way you move your feet on the beach, which showed how happy you were. The way you pull my hands around you when we cuddle. The way you kiss me. How lovely your smooth skin feels after you shower, or that coolness that comes when I hug you from the back after you come out from the shower, and the warmth of your body that follows, or how you giggle when my beard tickles your neck.

Even when we cuddle, if you fall asleep, I would gently take your hand, feel the smoothness of your hands, sometimes I place your hands on my face, then I would kiss your fingers, sometimes I would gently stroke your eye brows, then I would stare at your lovely lips.

Do you know how I smile the moment my eyes see you from far as you walk towards me whenever I pick you up ? No matter how bad the day was, I will forget about everything, and instantly there would be a smile on my face, why ? Because it's you.

Do you know how excited I get, whenever we are going to spend time together, that I could barely sleep the night before we are about to be together ? Yes, I know love, you might say I'm crazy, and I know it's going to be a year, but don't forget, you're special, and you're my everything, so no matter how long we are together, even if we stay together in the future, I would be looking forward to wake up beside you the next morning, just to kiss you good morning.

Do you know how lovely you look when you wake up with those sleepy eyes looking at me ?

You're my poetry, you gave me a lot of beautiful memories, and filled my heart with love.

Thank you for everything Bee.

xoxo,
bear bear.



Saturday, 30 July 2016

Kopi & Susu


Kopi & Susu,
me and you,
you and me,
let's do this together,
life can be challenging,
there are ups and downs,
sometimes it can be frustrating,
but end of the day,
you know it's worth fighting for,
and you know I'm always with you,
no matter what happens,
you'll never be alone...
If you ever feel like giving up,
look how far you've come,
and always remember,
that you're strong,
you're special,
and,
you're important...
Life can be challenging,
but let's look at the bright side,
let's make more beautiful memories together,
and live every moment of this life to the fullest,
let's do this together,
and be there for each other,
you and me,
me and you,
kopi & susu...

xoxo,
bear bear

Thursday, 14 July 2016

3 A.M

“When I am with you, we stay up all night.
When you're not here, I can't go to sleep.
Praise God for those two insomnias!
And the difference between them.”
~ Rumi ~


I went to bed at 10 p.m, tried to sleep early as I planned to go for my routine morning run the next day before going to work. I looked at my phone, no messages from you, should I send you a good night message ? I was sad, something was going on with you, I could feel it, but you are hiding it away from me. I put the phone away, probably the first time ever I didn't send you the usual good night message ever since we have been together, but you told me earlier that you needed some time to be alone, so I didn't want to disturb you.

Few minutes later, the notification beep sounded, but I ignored, assuming it wouldn't be from you, and I continued to close my eyes, hoping I would fall asleep.

But I couldn't, too many thoughts running in my mind, are you okay there ? My heart was screaming, but I remained quiet and didn't message you, and you would never know how much I was worried about you, it was becoming tiring, it was draining me, I know you need space, but I was afraid that you're slowly losing your sanity with all the things you had been going through lately, and I wanted to be there for you, to comfort you, to let you know that you should't go through it all by yourself.

Share with me your burden my love, how long are you going to carry it all by yourself ? There's a reason why you came into my life, and there's a reason why I came into your life, we can survive this storm together, so please, unleash the heaviness in your heart to me, and let my love ease the burden in your soul.

Time passed, and I couldn't sleep. It's true, I even told Athena about it, whenever you fell sick, whenever you're not in a good state of mind, it affects me, and somehow I know something isn't right with you despite your white lies, lies you tell so that I won't worry about you, for you constantly think that you have to keep everything to yourself, and you must not burden me with your problems. You always thought that you must be independent no matter what, but is it wrong if you share your problems with me, when we happily share the good times together ?

What is the point if we embrace the sunny days together, if we are reluctant to go through the dark times together ?

Bunny, I gave you my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul, you're part of me, won't you let me carry your burden and ease the pain you are going through ?

I love you, don't push me away and make me feel useless.

It was almost 3 a.m, I wondered why I couldn't sleep, I looked at my phone, then asked myself, pondering if you're asleep, or maybe you are still awake, maybe my heart is restless knowing you're not okay there. I know something isn't right, and I know your emotions are affecting me, sometimes being an empath isn't easy, but it can be a blessing, for my heart would let me know how your heart is, and no matter how hard you try to hide your frustrations away from me, I will know somehow. 

I finally decided to check on you.

I reached for my phone when the notification started to beep.

I never expected it, but I finally knew that I was right.

"sorry...i don't wish to hurt you, sorry i hide away things from you"

My love, don't apologize, you don't need to, you're just a human, and I understand what you're going through.

I will always be there by your side Bunny.

I will always be there for you my love.

Forehead kisses, a simple way to tell you that you're not alone, and you don't need to worry, for you are truly loved, and I would never leave you.


Saturday, 2 July 2016

Understanding A Relationship

Relationship isn't a fairy tale, it's not about being happy with the person you love all the time, there are days when misunderstandings tend to happen, there will be arguments, then sometimes there would be silence, sometimes you may smile, sometimes you may cry, there will be ups and downs, but in the end, it's worth it, because when we look back, those memorable beautiful moments made together, they are priceless, in the end, it's what makes life worth living.

A lot of things have been happening lately, and I've finally realized many things, that when you truly love a person, no matter how hard situations can get, you will never give up on them, and at one point, you will begin to understand that, relationship is a commitment that requires hard work and understanding, it's easy to say " I love you", but proving it, that is another story.

The Love Counselor

Athena is my colleague, a close friend, and also my love counselor. We multitask while working, talking and sharing our experience in relationship,  and it's easy to talk since both of our office cubicle is located side by side.

Although she is younger than me, she has deep experience in relationship, and I would say that she's wiser than me when it comes to handling relationship problems. She was also born in the year of Monkey, which makes her same age with Bunny, and her boyfriend is also a Tiger like me, so most of the time, both of us share things on what both Monkey and Tiger like and dislike, and somehow, we manage to find out that all Monkeys and Tigers have the same mindset.

Speaking about Tiger and Monkey, Chinese believe that Tigers and Monkeys can't get along well, and that it's hard for these two to be in a relationship. For me, I'm not really into it, besides, I still remember what the monk uncle told me last time when he got to know about me and Bunny, he said, although we are Monkey and Tiger, in the end, it's all in the hands of Buddha, and the wise old monk uncle told me to have faith in the divine should I face problems in my relationship.

Athena has been listening a lot lately, I don't really share my relationship issues openly to anyone, but it's nice to have someone who listens and gives advice, so whenever I face problems in my relationship with Bunny, I would share it with her, and she would advice me on what to do to solve the issue.

Lately, Bunny hasn't been himself, since the day he came back from his family trip in Thailand, he have changed, at first, I thought I might have unintentionally done something wrong that would have upset him, then I assumed it might be his work stress, but he changed a lot. Something that really confused me, as both of us were pretty much happy, and no, I don't really fight with him, but lately, he gets angry and scolds me a lot, and what made me worried was, whenever he gets upset, he says that we are not suitable and it's not working, and although he never said anything about break up, but it sounded like he wanted to leave me.

Athena laughed when I told her about it, she said it's normal in a relationship for couples to fight and mention about going to break up etc, but still, I was worried, I mean, who wouldn't when they truly love the person and cherish the relationship they are in.

I told Bunny many times that I will never give up on him easily.

I can't remember when was the last time he told me that he loves me, or that he misses me. At times, he completely ignores me, sometimes he keeps on messaging and call me at unexpected time, then he would go on silent mode. It really started to confuse me. Then he stopped asking me to meet out for dinner, and even whenever we plan to spend time together over the weekend, I have to put the effort to ask him if he is free or not, he changed a lot, and it was seriously confusing me. At one point, I begin to realize that he no longer show any signs of excitement over our weekend plans together. It felt like I was the only one who was excited, and counting the days to be with him, and to make things worse, whenever I go to pick him up from his home, he would make me wait for a very long period of time.

He stopped talking about our future plans of staying together, or the usual things he used to say, like what we would be doing as a couple when we are old, everything stopped. I realized that he gets upset easily, and often, he kept telling that he doesn't deserve me, and says my love is too heavy for him.

This made me wonder, if he was beginning to lose interest in me, perhaps he was ignoring me so that I would stop loving him and leave him. With everything that was happening lately, it began to stress me a lot, situation at work wasn't good, dad fell sick, all I could do was cry silently when I am alone. And even in office, tears kept falling while I was doing work, as my mind was constantly on Bunny, and my heart wondered on what happened to him. The confusion was beginning to hurt me, and the only way for me to release the pain, was to cry silently. My colleagues noticed and kept asking if I was okay, but I didn't said a word, and hid all the emotions to myself, pretending I was okay.

I prayed hard, hoping things would get back to normal. I knew that phases like this is a common thing in a relationship, so I began to avoid thinking about it, and tried to continue with my life hoping things would get better between me and Bunny.

Athena kept listening and shared her thoughts, she said it was common for those who are born in the year of Monkey to isolate themselves when they were stressed. Sometimes she said Monkeys tend to vent their frustration to their partners, she herself honestly admit that she had done the same to her boyfriend, yet they are happy together for four years.

Maybe it was work stress, I know he was having a tough time at work, but why did he stopped doing the things he used to do or say to me, I have no idea about that, but I love him, and I won't give up on him.

Athena asked me if I still feel Bunny's love towards me. Yes, I do. When we cuddle, my baby monkey always hug me closer to him, he always pull my hands so that he could wrap my arms around him. Whenever we have drinks together, he gives me his cup and asks me to drink it, whenever we have food together, he would always share like every couples in love do. Sometimes he still does the little sweet things he does that captures my heart. Like that one time when we were watching a movie at the theatre, he feed me with a pop corn.

It's rather confusing, I must say, yes, I can't remember when was the last time he said that he loves me, but I still know that he loves me, so let's put it this way, the frequency of affectionate things he does or says to me have reduced lately.

For example, if I wake up late these days, I no longer see a good morning message from him, and even at night, he views the message, but doesn't reply. And sometimes, when I make the effort to type a normal message to send to him even when I'm busy, he simply replies with a sticker. Sometimes it makes me look like a fool, when I send him messages asking how was his day, or if he had his lunch or not, and he simply replies with a sticker.

I told Athena about it, she laughed, but she said it did sound abnormal for Bunny to do these things lately, and I admit, it can be frustrating at times, but I know maybe he is dealing with some issues, and not telling me about it since he doesn't want me to be worried. At times, he keeps all the burden to himself. I told him many times to share things with me, told him many times that he mustn't handle everything by himself. What is the point of me loving him if he wouldn't share the bad times he is going through ? What is the point, if he only shares his happy times with me ?


The Stages of Relationship

A blogger asked me this question, and even Athena asked me the same, both of them asked how "comfortable" is Bunny with me.

All I can say is, lately I have realized that he is very much comfortable when he is with me, he farts, he digs his nose, and even burps loudly in front of me, I don't think he feels that I might look at him in a bad way when he does these things when he is with me, and honestly, nope, it never really bothered me.

And nope, he doesn't fart when I eat his cute ass.

To this, both the blogger, and Athena said that me and Bunny have entered the 4th stage of a relationship, and I no need to worry, as our relationship's foundation is strong now.

But I still wonder why did he change.

Athena explained that since our relationship have hit that stage, Bunny would no longer feel the need of doing the things he used to do, because end of the day, he knows that he have me, and we would be together till the end.

Removing Toxic Friendship

Since me and Bunny have been together, I have "unfriended" quite a number of people. Let's just say, that these people can be "toxic", and have the capability to damage my relationship with Bunny.

I still remember how this particular friend of mine who knew Bunny told me to be careful with Bunny. He said Bunny had been in many relationships before, and said I should be careful with him, as he might play with my feelings and eventually leave me as well. He then added that Bunny isn't capable of being in a relationship as he is very playful and doesn't take things serious.

Seriously dude, I know my guy very well, and yes, I admit he had few "x", but no, that doesn't make him a player, and his past never mattered to me.

And then, there was this other friend of mine whom kept pestering me to know if any of Bunny's friends knows about me, since he said Bunny never posted anything about me on his social media account, and he never mentioned that he is in a relationship, which was quite contrary to what I do, as almost everyone in my life knows Bunny.

At first, it didn't really hit me, but soon, I began to wonder, and asked Bunny about it, and Bunny said none of his friends, even his close friends know about me, the reason he gave, he prefers to be low profile.

Yes, it did made me sad at first, since most of my friends know about him, and I've been going around, bringing him to meet my friends, and introducing him to them. So when he said that none of his friends knew about me, or our relationship, it kinda made me feel like, for a moment it made me feel like he wasn't proud of me. But soon, I understood that it was him, so I accepted it, because I know my limit, and I don't want to invade his privacy or whatsoever that makes him feel uncomfortable.

"Arvind, did you realize that a lot of gay guys have been flirting with Bunny openly on his Facebook, did you read the comments they left ?", he asked.

I know what he was trying to tell.

"Yes, I know, but I don't really take it seriously, he got a lot of admirers, so what if they post flirtatious messages, in the end of the day, I know he loves me, so I doesn't really bother me", I replied.

"But you have to be careful Arvind, don't simply trust, who know if....", he looked at me and gave a strange looking face.

"Listen, I know him well, he is not that type of gay guy, if you are too concerned about it, why don't you ask yourself, how many relationships you had ? If I am not mistaken, you did cheat on your boyfriend once didn't you ? So what are you trying to tell me, and what are you going to benefit from it ?", it was my last reply.

Stopped contacting that friend of mine since then.

Relationship is about trust.

Yes, in the beginning, when I got to know Bunny, he did share many wild stories from his past, things he did when he was young, things he regret doing.

But it was his past, and it never mattered to me, it never did.

Honestly, it never came across my mind, things which he told me before I confessed my feelings to him, even now, when we make love, when I kiss him, all the naughty stories which he told me last time, they never come across my mind.

When we make love, when we kiss, I only think about the present moment, and think of how lucky I am, to be blessed with him in my life, and I always dream about the things we are going to do together, as a couple in the future.

Because, when we love a person truly, their past won't exist in the present moment, nor in the future.


Loving The Unpredictable Moon

It was becoming unbearable, the confusion, he kept changing, sometimes he ignored me, sometimes he become so close to me. At night, when I am asleep, I shed my tears, releasing the heaviness in my heart, when I meditate upon Mother Tara, I shed tears asking her to grant me the strength to tolerate his sudden change of behavior.

Athena told me that Monkeys always want their partners to change, but it's impossible for them to change, because it's their nature. Athena said that probably Bunny wants me to change, and so I've tried to adopt to Bunny's behavior lately. I no longer expect things from him nowadays, but I still tell her, that I miss the old Bunny, the one who used to ask how my day was, the one who used to check on me and ask if I had reached home safely, the one who used to express his love to me through words, the one who always made me feel special. She said maybe someday in the future, Bunny would eventually change, and things would be easy for me.

I hope so.

I'm a human too, I may not give up, and I will keep fighting, but what if I give up ? I was afraid, because I know my nature well, should it continues, I might leave everything, not only him, I will leave even my dad, renounce the world and dedicate my life completely to the spiritual world.

But then.

Deep within me, my heart reminds me to be strong, because my heart knows the happiness Bunny had given me, it's worth the struggle, it's worth the fight, because in the end, when everything becomes alright, I know I will be there for him when he is old, I know we would be together, remembering and talking about the happy moments we created together. I know I would keep my promise, of being there for him, no matter what happens.

It's not easy, being in a relationship isn't easy, but in the end, it's worth it, and it's what that makes life worth living.

I will love him, and care for him no matter what happens, and I will be there for him till the end...

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Thank You

I came out of the office during tea break to check on you, something which I usually do on working days during break time, just to look at my phone and check if you had posted any updates, or to simply send you a message or a sticker just to kacau you, and go through the selfies you had sent to me.

It's a ritual which I never fail to do, something I would say as my "me time" at office, to simply sit down alone, to just look at your pictures in my phone for few minutes, remembering our moments together, a ritual to break the daily stress at office.

Well, no matter how dull my day is, looking at your smile always lightens me up.

But I wasn't expecting anything from you that day, as I know you're busy with work.

Then the notification appeared after I switched on my phone.

"Baby Bunny sent a photo".

I looked and pondered what it could be.

Maybe a selfie ? Or perhaps the picture of the lunch you had.

With excitement in my heart, I quickly opened the message thread.

And I looked at the picture, just kept looking at it with a smile.

You always know how to touch my heart deeply.


I never expected you to send me this picture, but it really means a lot to me.

Means a lot, because it shows you're happy with the little things I do, or small efforts I put to see you smile.

Thank you Bunny, 
for filling my heart with love and happiness....