Full Moon

while looking at the night sky during mid autumn festival

Bee : bear bear, the moon not full tonight 

Me  : where got, bee bee moon always full 

Bee : *blush*

~ our breakfast yesterday ~

3rd

woke up next to him,

another morning by his side,

another blessing to count,

another moment to be thankful for,

slowly wrapped my arms around him,

pulled him closer,

kissed his neck,

my chest and belly on his back,

feeling his soft round butt on my groin,

enjoyed the warmth of his body,

on a cold lovely morning,

it’s been 3 years,

happy anniversary my love <3

32

He was the first person to wish me, when the clock strikes the digit “12”, then followed by my bffs and my close friends. Personally for me, birthdays are just another day in our lives, I don’t really tell people about it, and don’t really make it visible in my social media info, if people remembers it, then let them wish me, if they don’t, it’s not a big deal, perhaps I began to really dislike the idea of celebration as I believe that birthdays should be rather spent with your significant other, and your loved ones.

Bee made it even more memorable when he got me a sweet surprise in the evening, a cute lovely Pooh cake.

So that’s how I turned 32, it was another beautiful moment with Bee  :)

Sacrifice

Sacrifice, something we always do, something we can’t avoid doing in life, I never really told anyone about it, not even Bee, because I didn’t want him to feel bad, besides, I was confident that I could go through this phase on my own, and somehow I was lucky enough that there were always some sort of help from above, or miracles I would say.

After dad passed away, he left me a huge property in Seremban, and told me to sell it once he left this world, as he wanted me to move on and start my new life with Bee, however, the process of title transfer wasn’t that easy as my dad made a will with Amanah Raya without realising that they would charge a sky high fee to settle the will once my dad wasn’t around anymore. The best part was, their fee structure was calculated based on the current market value of the inheritance property, and knowing how high the value of the house would be, I was prepared for them to literally “rob” me. I wouldn’t really complain if they settle  the legal stuffs at a fast pace for what they charge, but it took them almost one year and 6 months to get their job done, while they slowly rip away my savings.

It wasn’t easy, but I managed things, kept things to myself, I know somehow or rather that they’re going to drag things, and eventually my savings went to zero, and the best part was, I wasn’t working, because at that point of time, I had to go to Seremban few times in a month just to push them while trying to sort things out myself, so having a job would have made things tougher, so one by one, as months passed, I began to sell valuable things that I had, and I told myself that I would never ever burden Bee, knowing that he has to support his family as well. 

This period of time  really gave me plenty of valuable lessons in life, especially how to live on a budget, how to spend less, ways to save money, I never became stingy, but I was becoming calculative on my spendings for myself, I didn’t mind getting little gifts for Bee or for my friends’ birthdays, but I started to be more cautious on the things I get for myself, and it somehow trained me to be a minimalist. All these lessons were also preparing me for the huge amount of money that I would be getting upon selling the inherited property.

And so, I began to seek more knowledge in investments, and think of the possibilities of making money without the need to work once I have settled the house matter. Luckily, in the midst of the legal process, I managed to know that there were plenty of people who were eyeing the property, and some even willing to pay more than the market price, but shit do happen, and someone attempted to cheat  me in the process of buying the house, yet again, I was lucky enough to get rid of the conman through a three month long legal battle, and finally I had found a genuine buyer who was willing to pay the advance booking fee while waiting for Amanah Raya to complete the title transfer of the property.

The property was sold last month, and currently I am counting the days to receive the huge payment. So back to the title of this post, one would wonder what are the sacrifices I was mentioning earlier on.

Plenty of sacrifices, honestly I have sold almost every single valuable items that I had in order to not depend on others while going through this period, the diamond rings my dad bought for me, my laptops and DSLR, some things that had special place in my heart, I had to let go, and sacrifice.

The thing is, unexpected things do happen when we are least expecting it, my old car gave plenty of problems, I met with an accident, and the cost of living in KL is certainly high. Even a few times I was in a situation that I had no money to even buy food, no money to pay the rent, or to even fill fuel for my old car, but I never told Bee about it, because I was afraid he might feel bad, and I didn’t want him to go through unnecessary stress, yet somehow I managed it. There were times that my lunch and dinner were instant noodles, there were times that I skipped lunch to save on the ten ringgit to buy fruits, or even butter and bread  for our breakfast together, there were times I walked in the heavy rain to buy dinner  without using the car just to save on that fuel, so many things happened, but I survived them all, I didn’t die, in fact it made me even stronger :)

For some of you out there, to my readers, be thankful for everything that you have, for the shelter above you, to the food that you are blessed to eat, and the loved ones who are there beside you, and why, even the tiny little gifts that some people give you, maybe you might think it’s just a gift, like maybe just a bar of chocolate etc, but remember that you wouldn’t know how the person struggled to get them for you, some people sacrifice themselves to make others happy, so be thankful for them in your life.

Glimpse

it was surreal, i wasn't expecting it, to get a glimpse, but i am happy, as the signs were good...

He looked at me, and i looked at him, confused, i wasn't aware of the stranger who was smiling at me, and holding my hand, but it took me a while to realise who he was.

Handsome as always, but with a more matured look, there were noticeable fine lines, but those beautiful eyes, and his lovely smile, perhaps he's 40 plus.

"You're getting this for whom sir ?", the lady at the stall asked me while she was making the keychain. 

"It's for my guy," i smiled while looking at him.

The lady gave a big smile.

"I'm his husband," Bee told happily.

Wait, are we married ? Is he no longer in the closet ? What happened to his parents ?

First of all, where is this place, certainly doesn't look like....

Have we migrated ? Is this our honeymoon ?

The reflection of myself in the mirror hanging on the stall surprised me, I look so different.

"Bear bear okay ?," Bee asked.

I looked at a device on his hand that looks like a mobile phone, is it our picture on his phone ? I looked at mine, and certainly it was his picture as a wallpaper.

I looked at our surrounding, everything looks different.

So many questions on my mind.

But he looked happy, that's the most important of answers.

"You're lovely, and will always be, Bee"

Hubby

Bee : Who is Bear Bear ?

Me : Bear Bear is Bee Bee's hubby

Bee : *cute giggles* 

Me : *kiss kiss*

Bee : Who is Bee Bee ?

Me : Bee Bee is Bear Bear's hubby

Bee : *cute giggles* *blush*

Me : *hug tightly* *more kisses*

~ while relaxing on the sofa together ~

You

If you ever wonder how much you mean to me,

words aren't enough to describe it,

but if you observe closely,

on everything I do for you,

from the tiniest of details you might have missed,

to the little things that carry an infinite amount of love,

when you observe them closely,

then you would realise,

how much you mean to me...

how I wake up few times at night,

just to make sure that the blanket is covering you,

how I would sometimes gaze at you while you're asleep,

and kiss you gently without waking you up,

how I carry you in my heart,

whenever I go to the monasteries to pray,

or to the places we had been to together,

even when you're not beside me, 

you're there in my heart,

in my soul,

the warm beautiful memories,

how I observe you silently,

even when you're not aware,

how you look at something,

your expressions,

the smile,

the way your eyes move,

behind those thick glasses,

how you laugh,

many more,

how I think of you every moment,

when you're at work,

or,

when you're back at your parents place,

how I smile at the empty seat beside me while I drive,

remembering how you would hold your favourite plushie,

how I smile at the empty side of the bed on weekends,

remembering what we did,

knowing you would be back the next day,

how you satisfy me in my dreams,

when we never made love for some time,

and even when there's an urge,

I would only dream of you,

even in my wet dreams,

it is only you,

if you even wonder why I never check on other guys,

nor stopped watching porn since you stole my innocence,

it's simple,

there's only you,

in my heart and soul,

if you ever wonder,

remember,

just observe,

and your heart will tell you,

that you're my irreplaceable treasure,

and you will always be

you're my heart,

you're the meaning of my life,

you're the smile on my face,

you're the love within my soul,

you're my strength,

you,

you're my everything 

The Test

Bee went back to his parents home early for Chinese New Year, and since his birthday fell on the second day of CNY,  I have decided to surprise him and celebrate when he comes back home, besides, we have already spend the Valentine's day together, so I was rather happy that Bee could spend time with his parents for his birthday this year. 

Like the years before, I was fasting on Bee's birthday to seek blessings from Goddess Guan Yin, as I had taken an oath and promised Her that I would fast on his birthdays till I am around in this world, and I believe She would bless him with good health and strengthen our relationship by partaking in such sadhana. 

But somehow, this year, being the third time I was fasting for him, I had encountered a series of "test", something I wasn't prepared for, but somehow I managed to pass it. 

The night before the fast, I did the usual thing I would do before partaking in a sadhana the next day, drank plenty of plain water, ate fruits, and since it was the first day of CNY, I have decided to be on a vegetarian diet. As I prepared to sleep early that night, I noticed there was a slight pain under the right foot, and I assumed it was probably a foot ache caused by the heavy squat I did at the gym few days earlier, and it would go away the next day.

But I was very much wrong. 

The next day, I woke up with a severe pain under the right foot, and I could barely walk or even stand up, I was just there lying on the bed wondering what happened, and how am I going to fast on that day with such pain. It must have been an injury due to bad form while doing squats. 

I was rather sad, of all the days, why should it be on Bee's birthday, but I was determined. I remembered there were few tablets of diclofenac in the kitchen, and I know they can be taken on empty stomach, but I didn't as I was afraid of getting gastric, and planned to take it at night later after breaking fast. 

First thing first, at 8am, I tried to get up, but the pain was immense, somehow I managed to drag myself into the bathroom for shower, and later "crawled" slowly towards the altar in the living room to pray. 

I stayed on the bed for the rest of the day, but didn't sleep, couldn't as the pain was bothering, but I was lucky that the pain didn't get any worse, nor there weren't any signs of swelling on the foot. Bee was messaging me but never told him what happened as I didn't want him to worry about me. 

It was already 7pm, dragged myself into the bathroom for another round of quick shower, then slowly walked to the altar and offered prayers. Made my way to the kitchen, it really felt like an eternity walking with such painful condition, or I would say crawling slowly while being supported by the walls. Thinking about it, I was feeling grateful that I wasn't being born with any disabilities, and that the pain is after all, temporary. 

Break fast at 8pm with few grapes, and ate bread, then slowly crawled back to the living room sofa, sat there for a while and recited few Buddhist sutras. The pain began to subside slowly, and I went to bed early that night. 

Glad I managed to fast despite the painful condition, perhaps it was a test from above, but everything happens for a reason, and I'm grateful that the pain reminded me of how lucky I'm compared to those who suffer from diseases in this world, plus, the fasting itself is a reminder that I have someone special in my life, a blessing I'm thankful for to the heavenly beings.

Namo Amitabha