Birthday

"I thought you would be coming back home yesterday after work, I thought you wanted to have dinner together on your birthday", my dad sadly said while holding out a wrapped gift towards me.

I looked at him, something was squeezing my heart, I felt bad, it's not like I didn't want to celebrate my birthday with him, but traffic on Friday evenings can be hell in KL, and so I decided to head back home on Saturday morning instead.

But, I never told him about the half day off I took at work to be with Bee on my birthday that year.

Am I to be blamed ? Did I do something wrong ? I was in dilemma, both Bee and my dad are my priority in life, Bee is important to me, so does my dad, but I wonder what made me prioritize Bee more that year, that I wanted to spend my birthday with Bee that year.

So was the traffic issue an excuse for simply being selfish ? 

Is it selfish to spend birthdays with your other half instead ?

I don't know, sometimes, I just don't know.

Little did I know that it would be the last birthday gift from my dad.

Sometimes there's a reason why I hate my birthday.

Many bad things happened on my birthday.

I rarely remember a pleasant childhood birthday celebration, my parents love to quarrel on that day for no apparent reason.

And few years back, I decided to commit suicide right on my birthday, on which I survived, and I'm thankful that I did survive, although I still feel embarrassed for my mistake. 

I don't really like my birthday, but I love to gift others on their birthday to show appreciation for their existence in this world, something which I had been doing since I was small, I love to give simple gifts, like bars of chocolate, or cute gifts, and I presume it was encouraged by my late mother, who always said that it's important to do small deeds, like surprising people to make them happy, after all, it's those small little things in life that makes memorable moments.

And of course, it doesn't need to be an expensive or lavish gifts, it's the thought that counts.

After my mom passed away, I recall what my dad did for my birthdays, he would always buy expensive gifts, and often get me cakes from Secret Recipe, although he rarely spent his time with me on my birthday as he was a workaholic. Why, he even bought a coupe cabriolet for one of my birthday, yes he was a super wealthy man, but sadly he assumed those fancy gifts would replace his frequent absence from my life.

But somehow my dad managed to realize his mistakes after retiring, and few times before he passed away, he managed to make few of my birthdays memorable, and he also realized that I prefer those simple pandan cakes from the normal bakeries in town, I never wanted anything fancy, but I was happy that he took the initiative at last to understand what I really like, and that it has nothing to do with expensive stuffs.

And I'm still keeping the last birthday gift he gave me, it's a cute small keychain, so small, yet so meaningful to me, although I don't use it nowadays as it gave up to wear and tear, I kept it safely, and I do take and look at it every once in a while.

But then again, it would never change how I think of my birthday, I dread whenever August comes, and I rarely look forward to that day, a day that holds many bad memories, my birthday.